Self Love / Self Hate

Instructions to your portrait artist

I want to be a painting, like Bob Ross would paint

So start with the background

Paint the ocean, with roaring waves so detailed that you can nearly hear it

The ocean reflects where I am most at peace, so let that be where I sit

Put “happy little clouds, wherever you want ‘em”

Paint a sunset of many colors, red, orange, purple and blue

A reflection of my passions for adventure and to serve others

Have me sit on a large, smooth rock, overlooking what I call a perfect view

Let my newly cut brown hair be blown around by the wind

Shoulder-length with layers and framing

Hazel eyes that shine with youth and the yearning for a life worth living

Dimples that my mother says only show when I am truly joyful

Have my face tilted upwards with an expression of my curiosity and wonder of the world

Now comes the negatives

The insecurities that I cannot hide

Give me arms that I wish were smaller

Legs that stay wrinkled no matter how much time is spent at the gym

A stomach that won’t conform to the size I want no matter what the diet

I won’t mention the rest of my body, things I wish I could change but can’t

Have me wear a dress

Comfortable, but presentable

Classy, yet modest

Preferably a forties dress

Something to cover the insecurities

Don’t give me shoes, I’m at the beach, not a dance

Place a book in my hands

I love to read in the most beautiful of places

Finding Comfort in the Bad Times

Have you ever felt like things were going completely wrong? That nothing good could ever come from this disastrous experience? Do you feel like maybe God has forgotten you, or worse, doesn't care? That's something I've struggled with for a long time, and continue to struggle with. I've found comfort, though, which I would like to share with you. When God starts to show, teach, or do something in your life, how can you not want to share it?

I just finished up a study that Tony Evans was doing called Detours. The study focused on Joseph's life and how the things he went through prepared him and led him to his ultimate goal/destiny. In case you don't know the story:

 Joseph was given a tunic of many colors by his father who loved him more than his bothers, which led to his brothers becoming jealous and throwing him into slavery. He became a slave to Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh. Potiphar saw that the Lord was with Joseph, and made Joseph second in command of the household.  Potiphar's wife lied to everyone saying that Joseph tried to rape her. This gets Joseph sent to prison. Now in prison, the Lord was with Joseph; "Because the Lord was with him (Joseph); and whatever he did, the Lord made it prosper." Genesis 39:23 Joseph became second in charge over the prisoners. Two men were thrown into the prison. They had dreams, which Joseph interpreted. One of the two men died, while the other was released, as had been predicted from the dream that Joseph interpreted. Joseph asked the man who would be set free to remember Joseph and mention him to Pharaoh, that he was imprisoned wrongly. But the man did not remember Joseph. Later, Pharaoh has a dream. The freed man remembered Joseph, and told Pharaoh, who then brings Joseph out of prison to interpret the dream. This led to Joseph becoming second in charge of Egypt, saving many from the famine to come, including his own family.

God was with Joseph in everything that happened. Joseph was with God. "If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. Psalm 139:8 If Joseph hadn't been put into slavery, he wouldn't have went to prison, which wouldn't have gotten him to Pharaoh. But it goes way farther than that. If Mrs. Potiphar hadn't lied, Joseph wouldn't have gone to prison. If the man in prison had remembered Joseph and told Pharaoh about him sooner, things may have turned out differently. The experience being in charge of a household prepared him to be in charge of a prison, which prepared him to be second in command over Egypt. Everything happened for a reason, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It all led up to something so much bigger than you would ever imagine. All the bad things that happened to Joseph had to happen. For me, this is a huge comfort in my heart to know that every bad experience, accident, mistake that I have ever gone through or have done myself can be used to glorify God. Nothing is unnecessary or purposeless.

Going off of this, I have been thinking a lot lately about things I did in the past, and how I've been able to use things that I thought to be useless. Small things. I worked as a home health caregiver for Boo, which furthered my career without even starting college yet. In AmeriCorps, I learned many amazing skills that brought me to where I am today. I also learned skills I didn't think I needed. We were on the tightest budget ever-$4.75 a day for food. I'm able to use that now to budget for myself and help my clients with their budgeting needs. Another one would be A-Driving, where you sit in the passenger seat of a 15 passenger van and give directions, tell the driver they can switch lanes, using hand signals to back the vans into parking spots. I thought it was pretty pointless. I was wrong. It helped me quickly get my drivers license and adjust to long commutes, and winter driving.

It amazes me how much of that I took with me.
Now I'm going to college studying Community Health and Prevention Science in the hopes of going into Peace Corps or something equivalent.

Then there are the other times, the harder times, that are just down right hard to understand. My car engine blew. I'm searching as quickly and desperately as I can for another car. Problem is, I drive a hundred miles a day. I have to have a reliable care that can take a lot of miles, but for really cheap. It's hard to remember that God has this situation, too. Same with every other hard situation any of us have ever faced in our lives. Why did I get into that car accident? Why did I get sick/hurt? Why did that person hurt me? It's so easy for us to get mad at God and angrily ask Him why. Slowly, I'm learning that good will come from these negative experiences. I have faith that God can take our negatives and turn them into positives. If Joseph can go through all the awful times, then so can we. If good can come from that big mess, then good can come from our big messes too.   
But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Genesis 50:20 
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

You're Not Alone

Recently, a dear friend passed away. Suicide. In honor of this friend, the many others who have passed, and to those silently suffering, I wanted to write this short story/ blog post/ whatever you would like to call this.

This story is hypothetical, it is not telling a true story of anyone I know. Just a story/post to raise awareness and to maybe even give hope to those suffering. 


You are alone in your empty house. It's dark. You like the dark, or so you tell yourself. You haven't eaten dinner. You're not hungry. It seems pointless to eat, anyways. Why eat? You don't deserve to eat.

These thoughts take you down a rabbit hole... like always. These thoughts aren't new to you. You've had these thoughts for a long time now. You have tried medication after medication, but nothing makes the pain go away. Nothing chases the thoughts away. So they must be true, you suppose.


The big thought hits you, as it always does if you go far enough down the rabbit hole, "You don't deserve to live." The thought creates a black hole within your heart. You're all alone. No one loves you. If no one loves you, then something must be wrong with you. Thoughts whisper over and over within your mind, "You're worthless", "You are all alone", "No one loves you", "...You should die." 

You go to bed, but you can't sleep. 3AM rolls around, you find your way to your bathroom cabinet where you take some of your prescription anti-depressants that don't even help. You stare longingly at the almost-full bottle of painkillers leftover from a car accident several months back.

Weeks go by like this. You're getting worse. You isolate yourself. You stay in the dark. You listen to the invasive thoughts, even feed them yourself, because you believe them. You stare at the painkillers more and more, sometimes even holding the bottle in your hand. You imagine taking the whole bottle of painkillers mixed with your antidepressants. You can't do this anymore. You can't take it. Life isn't worth this kind of pain, you tell yourself. Your life isn't worth it. No one cares. It's not like you're leaving anyone behind-hurting anyone. You think about calling a suicide hotline, but no. "They can't help me now. No one can. There's nothing. I will never be happy." 

Days later, you do it. As you lay on your bathroom floor crying...dying... you call 911, telling them what you did because you don't want your body to never be found. To rot. The thought makes you go hysterical through your drugged haze. Before you even finish talking to the 911 operator, you pass out. Never to wake.

Did you know that you had impacted many people, that you were indeed loved? As you pushed others away, they thought you were mad at them, they thought you didn't like them anymore. They admired you so much so that when you isolated yourself, they didn't know something was wrong. They thought you were busy, they thought you had better things to do than to talk to them. They didn't think to check up on you. They realize now...They are shocked and are burdened with guilt, but eventually they move on. As they must. Moving on with their lives. Maybe next time they'll think to say something, think to check in. Express their care. For now, it's too late.

Did you know in a year you were going to find someone who made you happy? Get married, make a family? You would find a better job, maybe even move somewhere nicer. You were going to be happy. Really and truly happy. Your heart would be full.

Did you know you have a marvelous God and a beautiful Savior who loves you? Truly, deeply, loves you. Though others had loved you, it can't compare to this kind of love. A love you can't even fathom. You might ask "Why would a God who loves me put me through this much pain?" He was preparing you for your purpose, your destiny so to speak. The path you were on was leading you to the amazing outcomes that could have come. You would look back, remembering those dark days, and appreciate the happy days so much more. You would look back and see all that you learned from those dark days. Through those days, you would touch the lives of many. You would open the door for others to communicate because you would know what they were going through. Truly know. They would look to you for inspiration. They would know, from your story, that they, too, could get through this.

This could have been your life, but the pain and depression consumed you. Now... you are no longer with us.


You are no alone in your pain, I promise you that. And to you who have never felt this kind of pain and sadness, I hope this opens your eyes, even just a little. Many go through this, more than you would think. You feel alone, but you are not. You can get through this. Reach out, talk to someone. Your life IS worth more than this. You are loved!
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Give this a listen - Rise Against - Make It Stop

Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved."

Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Psalm 139:8-11 "If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there; if I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say "surely the darkness shall fall on me. Even the night shall be light about me."

Modesty and Feminism

What I am about to discuss is meant for those who build their beliefs, values, and boundaries based upon the Bible and what God has called us to do.  If you are not a Christian, you are more than welcome to read this, but don't expect us to agree on these subjects.  And that's fine, I have no problems disagreeing with others.  I don't require what I feel to be how everyone should feel. This is what I feel is right, I do not require everyone to feel the same. This is my way to get how I feel about certain topics off my chest in a safe and peaceful way. It also gives me an excuse to do a bunch of research on these matters and put it to use. What doesn’t bring you up or affect you in any way may not be the same for another.

After doing Dressember last month, I have been thinking a lot about modesty.  Dressember has kept donations open through January, so I still see a lot on human trafficking and the value of women.  Then the Women's March happened and had me thinking yet again, but this time on a woman's place in the eyes of God.  How God wants us to be.  I decided to combine these two topics today here at the end of January in honor of Dressember.  I will leave the link to our page in case anyone feels compelled to donate. Donations close January 31st at midnight. https://support.dressemberfoundation.org/fundraiser/857682

Proverbs 31:30-31 "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates." 

The Bible doesn’t actually say a whole lot on modesty that can be used in this day and age (at least not that I have found).  Perhaps He thinks we are smart enough to figure it out on our own? In the scripture passage above, it shows that what we do is more worth than what we wear. All in all, we put way too much time and effort into what we wear.  It’s not that hard, it really isn’t.  Not everyone is held up to the same modesty standard.  It’s all very personal.  We are all built and made very differently.  I believe that our most attractive and private parts of ourselves should be hidden away and given to our husbands (physically and mentally).  We are not our own body, but we belong to our husband. 

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”  This scripture is speaking about sexual immorality.  We belong to our husbands, not to ourselves.  We have been treating our bodies that are meant to our husbands so selfishly.  A lot of us are guilty of showing off the best parts of our bodies that were meant for our husbands. Again, I feel like it is a very individual thing.  Our bodies are all so different.  For example, at the gym I go to, so far, I am the only girl who wears shorts over my leggings.  And that’s fine, I don’t judge them, but for me personally, I do not feel comfortable.  Some girls can wear certain shirts, but other girls not, same with pants/leggings/etc.

The question we need to be asking ourselves when we get dressed in the morning is, “Does this outfit glorify God in anyway? Or, does it shame Him in anyway?” Would you walk into a church dressed liked that? If the answer is no, then we might have a problem. Here’s another way to look at it, would you want to walk up to God dressed the way you are? I don’t mind if I ran into God in my pajamas or workout clothes, but I would mind if I ran into Him wearing bikini or super short/tight dress. I don’t think He’d be very happy, either.  That’s how I treat it.

Another perspective is that the Bible tells us: Romans 14:13-14 “Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way. I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean to him it is unclean.” Men struggle with lust, we all know this.  We all know that a Christian man struggles around women who dress immodestly. So why do we do it? Stop saying that the guy needs to get over it! We have our struggles, men have theirs. The scripture above is a beautiful example of how we should be compassionate and helpful, instead of angry. Men struggle with this, we should be helping them in any way possible, not tripping them up because we want “independence” that is not ours to get.

When we dress ourselves in the morning, think more about God and our brothers, and less about what we want. We are to be selfless. Modesty is true beauty.  

This leads to the next topic.  Feminism and a little on abortion. Here is some scripture first and foremost:

1 Timothy 2:11 "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve." 

Ephesians 5:22-25 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." 

1 Corinthians 11:3 "But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." 

Right here should be enough, but I will go further since there have been so man perspectives on these passages. Most of these passages speak about church, a lot of women say that this is only applicable in a church. My question to you is, wouldn’t we want to follow the rules and teachings found in a church and use it outside the church as well? It’s like saying that the ten commandments should only be used in a church. If the rules of authority are as follows in a church, shouldn’t we abide by it outside of church? Wouldn’t that be the smartest choice?

Now, to go on the other side of things, God has used women greatly in the Bible and in our world today. We are valuable, we are worth something. Just because man has authority over us doesn’t mean we are worthless! It says that God is over Jesus, yet Jesus isn’t complaining! So why should we?

Mary was chosen to deliver Jesus, our Lord and Savior. As found in my research, it says, “Mary modeled an attitude of obedience and trust.”

Ruth was used greatly in the Bible as well, and through what she did, she married Boaz and their family line came King David and ultimately Jesus.

Esther was a God-fearing woman living in a pagan court. She became a queen. God used Esther to save His people from extinction.

Mary Magdalene was a devoted follower of Christ. She was delivered from seven demons. She was there when Jesus was crucified and buried. She was the one who found out that the tomb with Jesus in it was empty. She was also the first one to see Jesus after being risen from the dead.

These are examples of amazing women used throughout the Bible. We are not useless, we are not worthless. We were created to support man and to glorify God.

This leads to the topic of abortion.

Jeremiah 1:4 "Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:

'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.'” 

Psalm 139:13-16 "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You. When I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet here were none of them."

This is a very sensitive topic for me, so I won’t go into much besides leaving these passages here for you.

1 Corinthians 11”Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.”