You're Not Alone

Recently, a dear friend passed away. Suicide. In honor of this friend, the many others who have passed, and to those silently suffering, I wanted to write this short story/ blog post/ whatever you would like to call this.

This story is hypothetical, it is not telling a true story of anyone I know. Just a story/post to raise awareness and to maybe even give hope to those suffering. 


You are alone in your empty house. It's dark. You like the dark, or so you tell yourself. You haven't eaten dinner. You're not hungry. It seems pointless to eat, anyways. Why eat? You don't deserve to eat.

These thoughts take you down a rabbit hole... like always. These thoughts aren't new to you. You've had these thoughts for a long time now. You have tried medication after medication, but nothing makes the pain go away. Nothing chases the thoughts away. So they must be true, you suppose.


The big thought hits you, as it always does if you go far enough down the rabbit hole, "You don't deserve to live." The thought creates a black hole within your heart. You're all alone. No one loves you. If no one loves you, then something must be wrong with you. Thoughts whisper over and over within your mind, "You're worthless", "You are all alone", "No one loves you", "...You should die." 

You go to bed, but you can't sleep. 3AM rolls around, you find your way to your bathroom cabinet where you take some of your prescription anti-depressants that don't even help. You stare longingly at the almost-full bottle of painkillers leftover from a car accident several months back.

Weeks go by like this. You're getting worse. You isolate yourself. You stay in the dark. You listen to the invasive thoughts, even feed them yourself, because you believe them. You stare at the painkillers more and more, sometimes even holding the bottle in your hand. You imagine taking the whole bottle of painkillers mixed with your antidepressants. You can't do this anymore. You can't take it. Life isn't worth this kind of pain, you tell yourself. Your life isn't worth it. No one cares. It's not like you're leaving anyone behind-hurting anyone. You think about calling a suicide hotline, but no. "They can't help me now. No one can. There's nothing. I will never be happy." 

Days later, you do it. As you lay on your bathroom floor crying...dying... you call 911, telling them what you did because you don't want your body to never be found. To rot. The thought makes you go hysterical through your drugged haze. Before you even finish talking to the 911 operator, you pass out. Never to wake.

Did you know that you had impacted many people, that you were indeed loved? As you pushed others away, they thought you were mad at them, they thought you didn't like them anymore. They admired you so much so that when you isolated yourself, they didn't know something was wrong. They thought you were busy, they thought you had better things to do than to talk to them. They didn't think to check up on you. They realize now...They are shocked and are burdened with guilt, but eventually they move on. As they must. Moving on with their lives. Maybe next time they'll think to say something, think to check in. Express their care. For now, it's too late.

Did you know in a year you were going to find someone who made you happy? Get married, make a family? You would find a better job, maybe even move somewhere nicer. You were going to be happy. Really and truly happy. Your heart would be full.

Did you know you have a marvelous God and a beautiful Savior who loves you? Truly, deeply, loves you. Though others had loved you, it can't compare to this kind of love. A love you can't even fathom. You might ask "Why would a God who loves me put me through this much pain?" He was preparing you for your purpose, your destiny so to speak. The path you were on was leading you to the amazing outcomes that could have come. You would look back, remembering those dark days, and appreciate the happy days so much more. You would look back and see all that you learned from those dark days. Through those days, you would touch the lives of many. You would open the door for others to communicate because you would know what they were going through. Truly know. They would look to you for inspiration. They would know, from your story, that they, too, could get through this.

This could have been your life, but the pain and depression consumed you. Now... you are no longer with us.


You are no alone in your pain, I promise you that. And to you who have never felt this kind of pain and sadness, I hope this opens your eyes, even just a little. Many go through this, more than you would think. You feel alone, but you are not. You can get through this. Reach out, talk to someone. Your life IS worth more than this. You are loved!
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Give this a listen - Rise Against - Make It Stop

Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and My burden is light."

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved."

Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Psalm 139:8-11 "If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there; if I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say "surely the darkness shall fall on me. Even the night shall be light about me."